A Failure, But Not for a Lack of Love
I've been down. I've been further than down. I can't remember feeling okay. Aging has taken a toll on me, and my mind seems to be going the way of my body. When's the last time that an effort taken really had an impact? I think it was over a year ago. It didn't stick though. I want to change this though. Maybe it can be better.
I've begun employing tools to help me. This journey will be taken alone. I have people around me, but no one to walk by my side. This trek will be mine. I think I can do better this time. I don't want to see what I saw just a day ago, happen again. It was painful, and I don't know how long the suffocating feeling of failure will continue to pound into my mind.
I let people down, because I couldn't help when they needed it. I've been helped thousands of times by these people, and when they needed me, I couldn't help. Had I been in a better place, I could have had more to offer. Instead, I had to watch and turn them away the one time it could have prevented immeasurable pain and suffering. I wasn't ready, and I should have been.
I won't be caught having to say no again. I won't have to cry after telling the people I love that they have to walk the path to hell due to my weakness, my failures, and my fears. I will do better. I promise you that much.
I won't let you trek this path alone. I will become what you needed me to be. I will overcome my weakening body, and faltering mind. I will have what I need to make sure you don't have to suffer anymore. I can only hope I can do this in time.
I can barely look at you anymore. It hurts too much to see you at these critical ages. Your fragility is showing in ways I never though I'd see manifested upon your bodies. I'm so fucking sorry. I won't let you down again. No matter the age, I'll always be your son. I love you, Mom and Dad